Absolutely Fobulous

Nothing makes you appreciate the incredible talent of Olympic athletes than a ridiculously horrible amateur.  Watch how this hurdler from Chinese University uses a rather erm, “unconventional” technique during his race.   After he knocks over his first two hurdles, he decides, “Eff this” and bulldozes through the rest of the race like a bonafide crazy person.

This video is a couple years old, but what a great way to get us all fired up for the professional Olympians whom we’ll be watching soon!

My fobby mom is paranoid of pickpockets, and now I see why.  Check out the shocking video below showing a pickpocket in China who uses chopsticks to delicately remove wallets from the pockets of clueless bystanders.  It’s crazy how he’s doing it in broad daylight on a crowded street and people aren’t even noticing.  So take my mom’s advice: always zip up your bag, and hold it close to your body!

(Thanks, Josh!)

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FMyLife.com? Pshhh, that’s old news. You want know what’s really hot? FMyChinaLife, the Chinese version of the famous user-generated FML blog. As usual, someone in China pirated the concept, but this time the copy might be better than the original.

I just spent about an hour going through entries and chuckling to myself. Here are some of my favorites:

• Today, on the bus I saw a man carrying a leg of lamb in a bag. The butcher had not managed to get all of the fur off of the leg. FMCL
• Last year, on New Years Eve, my friends and I went clubbing. It was a good night, I was dancing with two beautiful Chinese, and we even kissed. Before it was midnight 2011, I discovered my Windows phone was gone, and so were the girls. FMCL
• Last week, I started a new job at a Chinese company, making me the only foreigner there. Unfortunately, my first name (David) is the same as my boss’s English name. To avoid confusion, I will now be called “Little David.” FMCL
• Today, the new security guard at my apartment wouldn’t let me in and told me my apartment doesn’t exist (I’m black). FMCL
• Recently, our washing machine wouldn’t power on. The engineer came around to install a new circuit board. After five hours, and two more engineers coming to help him out, he said he needed to get another new board. He left the washing machine spewing cables and never came back. We had to buy a new one. FMCL
• Today, the entrance door to my building quit working so I went to the manager’s office and informed him of the situation and that it needed to be fixed. The manager replied, “That’s not my problem. That’s the door’s problem.” FMCL
• Today, my foreign bank informed me that the money I transferred had been held up because of a issue at the destination bank in China. When asked, the destination bank in China said, “what money?” FMCL

I think the reason why FMyChinaLife trumps its American counterpart is that these situations are so typical of China and there is an endless stream of ridiculous anecdotes. You know that these people aren’t really offended or hurt, it’s just something they’re resigned to because of their choice to live in the developing nation. That’s China for you!

(Thanks, Ananth!)

Cherry Slurpee?  Check.  Bag of chips?  Yup.  Japanese wrinkle remover?  Got it.  My brother who lives in Beijing snapped a picture of this uber fobby beauty tool that he spotted at his local 7-Eleven.  Apparently, rubbing your face with plastic rollers magically reduces wrinkles.

Maybe it’s some kind of universal fob thing, but we seem to believe that everyday products can offer the same benefits as plastic surgery.  And as you can see here, Japanese beauty gadgets and cosmetics are super popular, even in China’s 7-Eleven.

Now my question is, what the heck is the thing on the right side of the picture?!  It’s hard to see, but if you squint really hard you’ll notice the contraption involves legs and some kind of weird pulling motion.

(Thanks, Dunks!)

Can someone tell what is up with all these ridiculous beauty products, like the Japanese DIY nose job?

I swear Asians are just plain creative; they manage to turn a mundane gym activity into performance art on a bike. The video is pretty hilarious — watch the cut Korean competitor (who is wearing a skintight costume) start by posing prettily, then launching into some transformer hand signals before doing a series of spins, leaps, and splits over a stationary gym equipment. In fact his movements kind of remind me of the Chinese traffic police officer with MJ moves. Watch and cringe:

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(Thanks, Sara!)

This is like that polygamist TV drama ”Big Love,” only multiplied by 13.  Ziona Chana, a guy in India, has the world’s biggest family: 39 wives, 94 kids and 33 grandchildren.  And they apparently all snuggle up in one big dorm-like building, which has 100 rooms.

Ziona and his family live in the Baktwang village in the Indian state of Mizoram, where he heads up a 4,000-member religious sect.  And yup, you guessed it, the sect allows men to have as many wives as they want.

“We stay around him as he is the most important person in the house. He is the most handsome person in the village,” said Rinkmini, 35, one of his wives.

Err… yeah.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I guess.

Still, before you make any judgmental snickering about weird religious sects, you should probably know I come from a huge-ass family, too — my grandma had 14 kids!  And people wonder about China’s one-child policy…

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(Thanks, Eric!)

Think your fam is crazy?  Read about how Chinese parents can sue kids for not visiting often enough, how Korean parents are sending their short kids to growth clinics, and our thoughts on Tiger Mom Amy Chua.

In Shanghai, breaking China’s one-child policy may be A-OK but starting this May, having more than one dog will be illegal.  The city will be implementing a “one-dog policy,” making over 600,000 unlicensed pups illegal.  Apparently, these unauthorized doggies have been really problematic — last year, 140,000 people reported being bitten by them.  Under the new rules, pet owners need to give away their unlicensed pooches, and aggressive “attack dogs” such as British bulldogs will be banned.

Now if only the government in China could figure out how to stop people from attacking other people with hammers and butcher knives.

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You gotta admit, people in China are going crazy with their canines, from mutating them into tigers and pandas to making them swine flu masks.

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Gold diggers are always looking for fresh new targets, and what better sugar daddy/mommy to snag than from China? After all, the communist country seems like a cash cow. Who holds the most US debt? China. Which country is the second largest economy? China (sorry Japan!). Which country is going to be the largest buyer of luxury goods come 2020? China. I think you’re getting the point by now.

You have to keep in mind though, Chinese millionaires and billionaires are a unique breed so you might have to employ a different mindset and tactic. Mina Hanbury-Tension, author of “Shanghai Girls: Uncensored & Unsentimental: How to Marry Up & Stay There,” spills some juicy tips about the new rich in China.

• Be prepared to accept 10 girlfriends if you want to snag a rich husband. Alternatively, you can opt to be a mistress, which Mina says has its perks. For example, you might get a free car, apartment, and credit card from your wealthy lover.
• If you want to catch a second generation rich kid (someone who inherited the wealth), the best way to do it is gain the approval of his parents, so they can influence his decision. The second generation guy or fuerdai is a hard one to seal the deal with because he’s going to be used to tons of women, even celebrities, throwing themselves at him.
• If you want to get with a sugar momma, which there is apparently an abundance of, you need to be somewhat accomplished. But, no worries, she won’t expect you to be as rich as she is. Play the game, and be attentive without being a pushover.
• An MBA is a way to the heart of your gazillionaire loves, because they’ll need your worldly experience when they’re traveling overseas. Lack of Western polish and English skills that aren’t up to par means vulnerability.

I’m always confused when I hear about guys who want to have more than one girlfriend. I mean 10 girlfriends = 10 times more headaches, right?

All you single women should head to China, there will be 24 million single Chinese men by 2020. And if you’re set on trapping…err…I mean dating your own Chinese Mark Zuckerberg, join the match.com for Chinese millionaires.

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Traveling by yourself is a great way of exploring new cities.  But the problem with that is, taking pictures becomes a hassle, especially if you want to be in the shots. You’ll have to approach strangers and have a modicum of faith that they won’t run off with your camera. It’s kind of tough to have that sort of trust when you’re in unknown terrain, but worry no more! There is a solution to this tricky problem. Just observe the Chinese woman in the image below:

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Update: Not engineer-savvy enough to make your own camera mount? You can buy one here!

When I was a little kid, my fobby mom kept trying to get me to squeeze my nose so I would have a “prettier” schnoz when I grew up.  Clearly, nose job technology has since evolved.  Mom, you should have bought this wonderful contraption for me instead.  And at $144, that’s obviously money well spent, right?

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(Thanks, Dunks!)

Other ridic fob inventions?  The Japanese wearable tent, the Chinese shovel for serial killers, and the knee bench for peeing men.